Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
