The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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