you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
