turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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