remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
