The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
