i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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