Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
no, he came in my armpit
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
someone owes me an orgasm
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Randomize
