he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
