I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
