Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
