my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
