I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
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We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
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This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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