he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
