An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
