I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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