im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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