Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
