There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
