you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
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oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
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You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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