What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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