Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
