Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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