I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
