Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
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