Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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