Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
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