Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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