just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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