I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
