I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
