he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
