I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
