well I can't set my house on fire every night
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Randomize
