You smell like stripper and shame
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
