You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
