i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
