the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
