Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
