Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
