I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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