you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Randomize
