I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
We have so much sex to catch up on
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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