I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
