We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just blew my weed a kiss
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
