I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
