I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
