Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
