sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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