So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
