I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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