mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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