You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
