So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
