I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I just found puke in my bra..
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
