Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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