You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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