how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
