i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
