Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
