Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
