I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
