we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
